With midterms currently cramping our cool-as-a-cucumber style, the understatement of the year would be to say that tension runs high at the Department of Darts & Laurels. Sure, we know that Spring Break is almost here, but how do you expect us to study up on the unabridged history of satellites when we can't stop daydreaming about getting our tan on at the beach?
Lest we forget to mention the fact that the newsroom lacks any semblance of natural light - causing one unnamed male editor to resort to, gasp, spray tanning.
As we put down our flash cards and notes (from Einstein's, of course), we offer you this week's five-hour-energy-shots-are-our-new-best-friend edition of Darts & Laurels.
Hilarity out of Washington state tells us that one would-be crime victim had a trick up his sleeve while his house was being robbed. Instead of letting a team of burglars make off with his three flat-screen televisions, the man had the presence of mind to drive their getaway car out of sight to a friend's house. The Department of Darts & Laurels proudly presents a wish-we-could-have-seen-the-look-on-their faces LAUREL to Patrick Rosario for beating the bad guys at their own game. Not too shabby for a guy who just lost his job.
Drama students from a California high school are calling for the head of their homophobic principal after she canceled their production of the play, "Rent." Due to the fact that the show portrays gay and lesbian characters, the principal was afraid of how such behavior would negatively influence students. For her clear act of intolerance and lack of sensitivity, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches a you-have-no-business-bringing-such-hate-inside-of-a-school DART at principal Fal Asrani. To that we say, "Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens, carcinogens, hallucinocens, men, Pee Wee Herman! German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein, Antoniotti, Bertolucci, Kurosawa, Carmina Burana!"
Clogged arteries and shortness of breath aside, the fast food industry has enjoyed resounding success even in the wake of the economic downturn. For one finger-lickin'-good chicken franchise, sales have been so stellar that they are even planning to create 9,000 new jobs in Europe. The Department of Darts & Laurels presents a let-the-colonel-do-the-cooking LAUREL to KFC for doing their part to help buck the worldwide trend of unemployment. Hmm, we can't help but wonder if those KFC green beans (oh-so-much-butter) are considered part of a well-balanced diet?
When you know your boss has a reputation for not wearing neckties or sports coats, you better be prepared to wear see-through tops as part of your uniform. Word out of London informs us that female workers for the National Express train were issued blouses described as "leaving little to the imagination." For his blatantly sexist act of turning a train ride into a burlesque house on wheels, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches a you-should-have-coughed-up-the-dough-for-better-quality-clothes DART at National Express Chief Executive Richard Bowker. We suggest a punishment of forcing this bully of a boss to don formal attire to work would be a nice touch.
Well past his prime and requiring a pair of pants pushing a 40-inch waist, the return of Ken Griffey Jr. to the Seattle Mariners brings hope to a city in dire need of optimism. Sure, the team has little chance of making the playoffs, but the sheer fact that "Junior Griff" will once again be donning the navy blue and green has fans re-energized after years of lackluster seasons. The Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a you-truly-are-a-class-act LAUREL to Ken Griffey Jr. for returning home to the team where he started his legendary career. In a time in which the sport of baseball is mired by steroid controversy, Junior's drug-free legacy continues to shine brighter.
That's all for this week. Go Gators!
