George W. Bush, the ill-starred decider, the failed uniter, the presidential cowboy, left a trail of dust as he galloped out of Washington, D.C.
And, believe it or not, I was already beginning to feel a void in our national politics.
Where would I go for that swaggering machismo and gunslinging toughness I crave in a politician? Most importantly, which of our nation's most eminent figures would I be able to have a beer with?
Luckily, my concern was premature. At this, the high noon of the showdown between the blue-hats and the red-hats, a lone figure has strode forward, hands dangling, ready to draw. I'm speaking, of course, of "Big John" Cornyn, the junior senator from Texas and the last cowboy of American politics.
"Big, Bad John," as his own campaign commercial calls him, bills himself as a senator who (unlike his effete, wussy, non-cowboy colleagues) "shoots straight and talks straight and enjoys a good brew." Big John enjoyed a fairly uneventful first term but was recently appointed to head the National Republican Senatorial Committee. Now, his job is to help the red-hats outdraw the blue-hats in the gunfight of 2010 and try to retake the Senate.
Big John has clearly decided that the best way to accomplish this aim is to grandstand against the new Obama administration.
Seems there's a new sheriff in town.
Unfortunately for Republicans, who have been getting their cattle rustled out from under them by the Democrats lately, their new champion is only half cowboy - the other half being buffoon. So far, Big John has cynically attempted to excite his base through a series of self-aggrandizing maneuvers as the new thorn in the administration's side. It was this sort of bad politics that sunk the red-hats the last time around.
Big John is clearly willing to fight to the death at the Alamo - and with his methods, that's exactly what's going to happen. What exactly are the highlights of Big John's line-in-the-sand-style opposition? Well, he delayed Hillary Clinton's confirmation as Secretary of State - by a whole day! This wasn't done based on her qualifications, of which he says he is convinced, but instead because of a need for transparency regarding the donors to Slick Willy Clinton's foundation. Big John held the line for a day before cutting and running.
His most notable accomplishment so far has been to delay Al Franken's seating as Minnesota's newest senator until the legal disputes are resolved - but senators are seated on a depressingly regular basis amid such disputes. The state currently has only one senator which, if it isn't illegal, surely can't be in the best interests of democracy. But, like his campaign commercial says, Big John is the man to "make lesser states squirm."
Cowboy Cornyn, for all his gunslinger grit, is a man without a country. Big John is ready to go a-rustlin', but he can't seem to find himself a posse. The new president is currently enjoying record approval ratings and, if things continue running according to Big John's plan, the red-hats are going to find themselves outdrawn again.
You'll notice I've made repeated references to Big John's campaign commercial - I can only justify this by saying it's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Next time you're supposed to be paying attention in lecture, head to YouTube and search for "John Cornyn." You'll be very glad you did.
If it's really that easy to get elected as a senator, then please expect my own campaign commercial in a few years' time. I'm taking suggestions for nicknames.
Eric Chianese is an English junior. His column appears weekly.
