As an oh-so-slow news week draws to a close, the Department of Darts & Laurels can only hope for ridiculousness to ensue this Sunday.
We all know the Super Bowl provides a whole laundry list of different angles to take with possible stories. From commercials to wardrobe malfunctions, more often than not the least "super" part of the game is what actually takes place on the field. What we are trying to say is we wouldn't mind something along the lines of a "Nipplegate" redux.
Without further ado, we proudly present this week's chug-a-beer-for-us-come-Sunday-since-we-won't-be-partying edition of…Darts & Laurels.
Everywhere we turn, we can't help but hear the word "budget" being thrown around with complete disregard. The Department of Darts & Laurels launches a I'm-so-sick-of-seeing-you-everywhere DART at the word "budget."
We know that times are hard. The economy is in crisis. Stock prices are falling, unemployment is up, people are getting fired left and right. This is the reality of this moment in history. But that doesn't stop us from cringing every single time we write it.
Please, we beg you to stop.
From helping pass the economic stimulus package through the House to even cracking jokes about the weather, President Obama has the Department giddy about the prospects for America's future. But what we really like is the fact that Obama hasn't forgotten about the "little guy" - the average American worker - male or female. For signing the Lilly Ledbetter Pay Equity Bill into law, we present a thanks-for-helping-end-pay-discrimination-at-work LAUREL to President Barack Obama.
Once invited by the Super Bowl to perform during the halftime show on Sunday, the UF marching band will not be headed to Tampa this weekend. Thanks to poor planning on the part of the officials running the entertainment, monetary concerns forced them to drop the "Pride of the Sunshine" from the list of talent set to take the field. The Department chucks a you're-missing-out-on-a-great-performance DART at the Super Bowl for nothing short of snubbing the UF marching band.
Sure, we will still be watching come Sunday, but we can tell you right now the show won't be nearly as good.
While most schools commemorate the feats of their superstars by retiring their jerseys, Gainesville can now proudly boast a dead oak tree carved in "Superman's" likeness. For honoring with his Tim Treebow creation our gridiron hero in a truly unique fashion, the Department extends a dude-can-you-make-one-of-us? LAUREL to chainsaw artist Sam Knowles.
There's no denying the fact we all enjoy kicking loose, but that's certainly no excuse for getting behind the wheel of a car when you've had a bit too much to drink.
For crashing into innocent people and causing the price of auto insurance to skyrocket, we throw a let's-grow-up DART at drunken drivers for their dimwitted decision-making skills. The Deparment won't apologize for sounding like a broken record - not until drunks like UF baseball player Stephen Locke Jr. stop going for joyrides after an evening of heavy boozing.
What sets Lionel Rodia apart from the average fan is the fact that he not only managed to secure a seat at the final game of the World Series, but he also maneuvered his way onto the field to celebrate with the Phillies. The Department awards Lionel Rodia a we-can't-believe-you-poured-champagne-on-Ryan-Howard LAUREL for pretending to be a part of the team moments after reaching the mecca of the baseball world.
Not too shabby for a guy collecting unemployment.
That's all for this week. Enjoy the Super Bowl.
