Forgetting to set your alarm has never seemed so innocent, especially when a 50-year-old man "morking the mindy" stands in the way of getting to class.
The Editorial Board pours a we-will-never-think-of-hand-lotion-in-the-same-way DART into the hands of the RTS masturbator for transforming a Dave Chappelle comedy sketch into a midmorning nightmare.
Would we be shocked to hear hand lotion sales at area supermarkets have skyrocketed since the story broke?
Probably not.
As dollar bills seem to only appear in Geico commercials these days, the Editorial Board recognizes the City Commission for thinking outside the box. Faced with the prospect of having to lay off a portion of the police force, the commission created legislation that will cut down on the Party Patrol presence in Midtown.
With too many underage kids getting tipsy anyway, we present a J-Kwon inspired teen-drinking-is-very-bad LAUREL to the City Commission for their efforts to do the right thing when balancing the budget.
Given the opportunity to own up to eight years of running the country into the ground, President George W. Bush once again failed to save face.
The Editorial Board graciously bestows an admitting-you-made-mistakes-is-only-half-the-battle DART to the soon-to-be former president as he rides off into the Crawford, Texas, sunset. And so we have reached the final hour of the Bush Dynasty - bringing the number of times the Yale grad's name will grace the esteemed pages of the Alligator to single digits.
While we wish Percy Harvin the best of luck at the next level and graciously thank him for his contributions to the team, we can't help but wonder why he couldn't be a little more like his defensive counterpart.
The Editorial Board awards linebacker Brandon Spikes a thank-you-for-helping-secure-UF-a-preseason-No. 1-ranking LAUREL for putting his entry into the NFL Draft on hold for another season. With millions of dollars just waiting to be snagged and the limelight of playing on Sundays, Spikes' decision to return to school renews hope of the Gators bringing home another championship to Gainesville.
Not exactly a slam dunk choice, though - especially considering the fact he could've used his hefty wages to secure a top-notch attorney for his currently incarcerated brother.
With temperatures plummeting so low you can see the steam from a mouse fart, the Editorial Board can't help but think about the innumerable homeless people living in and around Gainesville.
As much as the local shelters have stepped up their efforts to lend a helping hand, we are forced to call out the city of Gainesville for making homelessness into seemingly a non-issue. We shake our collective heads as we award the City of Gainesville a where-the-bleep-is-the-one-stop-shelter? DART for failing to deliver on promises of a better facility for the city's growing homeless population.
While we aren't a bunch of complainers, working at the Alligator can make it pretty tough to enjoy home-cooked meals. Late nights and tight deadlines don't exactly bode well for developing our inner Bobby Flay.
Since the Editorial Board doesn't know a spork from a spatula in the kitchen, we rely on the local establishments to keep our stomachs full and fingers typing. From Leonardo's to Gator Dawgs and Gyro Plus, we award the West University restaurants a thank-goodness-it-isn't-bathing-suit-weather LAUREL for serving up satisfying meals when a half-frozen Lean Cuisine doesn't exactly make the cut.
That's all for this week. Excuse us while we dive into our fourth platter of rolls and marinara (of the night).
