After my third annual Thanksgiving car-a-thon, it's apparent that the problem with holiday traffic on the interstate is not only the number of cars on the road, but also the number of people in those cars who don't know a thing about driving on the interstate.
Experts have been predicting a lighter holiday travel season because of the economy, but Sunday's drive from Atlanta to Gainesville took me about seven and a half hours, which is an increase from the seven hours last year's drive took.
The problem is who's driving during the holiday season: amateurs, newbies and old people.
In an effort to educate people about properly driving on the interstate, I have listed my rules of interstate travel. Remember, all of these rules apply most of the time, and most of the rules apply all of the time.
Rule No. 1: Get your fat butt out of the fast lane. It's only for passing other cars. Do not sit and cruise there while other lanes are open. You'll hold up a line of cars behind you.
Rule No. 2: If you get passed on the right, it is because you are in the wrong lane, not the person who's passing you. Hurry up and move over so faster traffic can get by you.
Rule No. 3: If you are going less than 80 mph, you have absolutely no business being in the far left lane, ever. Get out.
Rule No. 4: A soccer ball sticker on the back of a car always denotes a bad driver. As a general rule, one can assume that the larger the vehicle, the worse the driver, so beware.
Rule No. 5: One must always be on the lookout for men driving mini-vans and women driving SUVs, called "Suburban Buses" or "Soccer Buses." These drivers are no better than the 85-year-old guy with coke bottle glasses who drove you home in elementary school. There are usually kids in the back being obnoxious and distracting them, and even if there aren't kids, these people have a tendency to forget to look around before changing lanes because they are in vehicles way too big for them to be driving.
Rule No. 6: Pass geezer tanks the first chance you get. These multi-ton, solid steel town cars are magnets for old people and car accidents. Models you should be on the lookout for include the Lincoln Town Car, Mercury Sable, Ford Crown Victoria and anything by the name of Buick.
Rule No. 7: If you see a cop, do not slow down to 15 mph below the speed limit. It's dangerous- people behind you will slam on their brakes, potentially causing a pileup. Ease off the gas if you must, but I promise you no cop will pull you over on the highway for going 5 mph faster than the speed limit. They don't want to deal with the geezer tanks and soccer buses any more than you do.
Rule No. 8: If someone passes you, do not speed up to catch them. You drive slower than they do, so stay out of their way. I cannot understand why people think they have to speed up, get in the way and then slow down again. Just get out of the way.
Rule No. 9: Cars with a Jesus fish on the back drive slowly, though I'm not sure why. NASCAR fans and Jesus freaks often go hand-in-hand, though you would think NASCAR fans like to drive fast.
Rule No. 10: Tell friends and family about these rules. Teach them the proper way to drive, and if they fail to listen, give them hell. Together, we can work to make my annual holiday trips faster and safer.
Remember, as G.I. Joe says: "Knowing is half the battle."
Wes Hunt is a history senior. His column appears on Tuesdays.
