America has voted. These long months of political tumult and impassioned debate have finally culminated into a moment of truth, reaching a climax of presidential proportions.
We the people of the United States of America have spoken, and we want to know: Who's nailin' Palin!
She winked, she charmed, she hunted moose. She aroused the public interest in more ways than one. Her updo inspired a nation; her qualifications divided a party. Sarah Palin has now inspired a sex tape, "Who's Nailin' Paylin," starring porn star Lisa Ann, who, in Palin's signature specs, looks a little like the vice presidential hopeful.
In the age of celebrity exhibitionism, we must have known this was coming. Who better to supply a Sarah Palin sex tape than Larry Flynt? The Hustler Web site is installing the porno in webisodes, complete with big jugs and horrific puns. It all started with - what else - a Craigslist ad seeking "a Palin look-alike to star in a pornographic film for a major adult studio in L.A." The job, the ad said, would pay $3,000 and wouldn't require anal. Anal, it seems, might have been crossing the line of decency.
In one webisode, Joe Six-Pack, a repairman, comes to fix Palin's basement tanning bed. Todd is out of town, and Trig is asleep upstairs. Before you know it, Palin is bent over, screaming, "Pound me until my head is so empty that I can't even remember the name of the one Supreme Court case I actually know!"
Future webisodes will include an Obama look-alike and a threesome with Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice stand-ins.
It's a stretch, but porn can be viewed as an art form in its own right. After all, our country guarantees free speech. As with any other form of entertainment, porn can make a political statement. It might even be considered by some as a refreshing venue that serves as a contrast to the stiflingly proper nature of politics.
Time and time again, this column has been accused of "objectifying women and their bodies." My playful attitude regarding fag hags, cock-mongering Disney princesses and plaid-covered bulges managed to offend a few people - no surprise there. What came as a surprise was that after I finished watching "Who's Nailin' Paylin," sometime after the initial giggles, deep down inside my cold little misogynistic heart, I felt a twinge. Could I have been…offended?
First Hillary Clinton was bemoaned for her robotic ways and overall lack of sexuality. Then Palin was labeled a hockey MILF and accused of using her sexuality to further McCain's campaign. Who cares about women's qualifications when we can put them on a sexy spectrum? Palin, bless her heart, might be under-qualified, but why fault the woman for being a looker? I suppose it's easy to make a powerful woman nonthreatening by showing her getting railed by Russians/Obama/Condoleezza and Hillary. But perhaps Caribou Barbie was never viewed as threatening to begin with.
On www.zazzle.com you can buy shirts, aprons and beer mugs emblazoned with "I'm the guy Sarah Palin blew to get the nomination" or "Nailin' Palin: Maverick-style." There's even a Sarah Palin sex doll. Stripper contests for Palin look-alikes have popped up across the U.S. And now a there's a porno.
Palin's sexuality, it turns out, was both a blessing and a curse on several levels. Her real mistake, and unfortunately one that was out of her control, was becoming a pop icon. But here in the U.S. of A., everyone is fair game to be questioned, satirized and, yeah, sometimes blatantly insulted. But that's what makes our country so great. Deal with it.
