Why is it that guys no longer act like gentlemen, and girls no longer act like ladies?
The other day, a girl was walking into Barnes and Noble while simultaneously digging through her purse, gabbing on her cell phone ¾ the conversation something along the lines of, "She said she was raped, but I think she's lying for attention," ¾ and balancing a lidless iced coffee. A guy who happened to be reading nearby saw her approaching the door and opened it for her. Although a polite smile would have sufficed, she instead gave him a glare with such disgust you would have thought he'd tongued her neck while reaching for the handle. Her top lip actually curled up over her teeth in anger as she hissed, "I could have done that my-SELF!" and stomped inside. The poor guy didn't know what hit him.
So how does this pertain to sex? Because men, newly tweezed, tanned and trimmed, don't act like men in the bedroom anymore. Women doing the whole "I am woman, hear me roar" act have roared them into meek submission. Now they act more like lambs in the sack than lions.
A girlfriend of mine once told me she had hoped for a raunchy night with her booty call, the kind of uninhibited sex that can only occur when you could care less about the other person's opinion. But when she relayed what she wanted him to do to her in explicit detail, he said, "Tonight, can we just watch a movie and snuggle?" A booty call said this to her. When I think of a hot night, watching "The Notebook" while some guy caresses my inner elbow and croons James Blunt isn't exactly what comes to mind. I don't call my best friend and say, "It was so mind-blowing. We kissed until my face bled from his stubble, and then we spooned for hours. Hours. It was so intense I cried."
I think most women want to be thrown around a little. Some want to be thrown around a lot. Guys, for the love of God, stop being so hesitant! There is nothing worse than when a guy, instead of smacking a girl's butt with purpose, does that wimpy half-tap thing. It's just painful, and not in the good way. So here are some do's and don't's of reclaiming your manhood between the sheets. Or anywhere but between the sheets if you really want us to smile.
A good way to warm up is with some dirty talk. Don't go all out and verbally recreate the last bondage porno you watched ¾ at least not the first time. Also, be confident in what you're saying. Because if you're not, we sense your awkward attempt at forced sexiness, and you'll look and probably feel really stupid. Some girls might not want to jump right in and finish your sentences either, so be patient. If you say it, she will come. And this is the biggest thing, so take note: Dirty talk does not translate well to public scenarios. Just because she likes it in bed doesn't mean she'll appreciate you saying, "Grab your purse, you filthy bitch. We're leaving," at a friend's.
Make sure you're comfortable with the person. In movies, impromptu bang fests between strangers seem realistic and definitely more enticing than the same old predictable sex with the same old predictable person. Next time you see the girl who always flirts with you at parties and you decide to really rock her world with your Casanova tactics and bad-boy attitude, don't try to jump her when she's walking to the bathroom. You'll end up with a face full of mace and a reputation as a rapist creep. A little unexpected roughness can be a real turn-on, however, with a girl you know well.
So tonight, try manning up a little. Be forceful. Give her hair a little tug (little being the key word). She'll thank you for it by doing ladylike things like wearing sexy outfits, making cookies or, I don't know, waxing. Or you can take a bubble bath together, listen to Josh Groban and look into each other's eyes. Whatever works for you.
