To lead off, we'd like to shoot a get-your-hand-outta-my-face-and-just-mind-your-business DART at college admissions officers for using students' Facebook profiles to help decide whether a particular student is right for a school.
Isn't there a saying about judging a book by its cover? Who's to say someone didn't hack our profiles the day after we submitted our applications? How do you know our sadistic friend didn't Photoshop the twig and berries on our foreheads?
The point is, there's no way to know. Unless you're going to accept us out of pity because you saw we went from "in a relationship" to "single," then stop stalking us. Just because we own a funnel doesn't mean we don't own books.
Next in line, we have a did-you-mean-to-do-this-or-is-Bill-Engvall-going-to-give-you-a-sign LAUREL to a man with an outstanding warrant who called police to turn himself in and decided to help clean up the streets in the process.
Let's make sure we get this right - you violated your parole and knew you were going down, so you decided to help out and take someone else down with you. Now that's what we call selflessness in the face of adversity. You're better than us, Hancock.
Speaking of crime, next we're going to make it rain a bunch of little all-we-need-is-love DARTS on the recent weird crime wave affecting Gainesville. We've seen more samurai swords, price gouging, fraud and burglary than Detroit.
Last time we checked, we don't need to be this shady or mad. It's football season; the weather is cooling down; and, thankfully, it will never snow. People in Detroit are expected to be angry - the Tigers are bad; the Lions are embarrassing; and the economy can't be helping the city's auto industry. When all you have to look forward to is the return of the Red Wings, you almost have a valid excuse for mugging someone.
Now we'd like to bestow a we've-got-a-whole-university-to-protect-so-buy-your-own-bodyguard LAUREL to the Gainesville Police for finally deciding to make high-profile visitors foot the bill for their personal security.
Gainesville and UF both have enough on their plates without worrying about whether Bob Barr is going to travel safely. Maybe if he didn't trim his "V for Vendetta" mustache ever-so-creepily, he wouldn't get so many strange looks as he romps through a small Florida town.
That'll do for this week. Have a safe weekend. Go Gators.
