Since Hawaii is so far away, we here at alligatorSports figured we should get a better sense of the culture there.
So, we decided to call a lei stand.
It took a week's worth of phone calls to a place six time zones behind us, but we finally got in touch with a very nice woman named Naomi Braine, a third-generation lei-maker and owner of Aunty Bella's Lei Stand in Waikiki, where she works 12 hours a day. Her grandmother, the original Aunty Bella, started the business in 1928. It's been in the family ever since.
Leis are good for graduations or departures, which might explain what former Hawaii quarterback Colt Brennan was doing wearing one at last season's Heisman Trophy ceremony.
Brennan's lei was mostly kukui nuts, which mean good luck, though it didn't seem to help him much.
Still, that didn't hurt the island's opinion of him.
"Oh yeah," Braine said. "He's terrific."
Here in Florida, we're most used to seeing those crappy, plastic, bright-blue leis that pull apart with ease. Remember them from your bar mitzvahs and crappy fake luaus as a kid?
Braine was quite condescending toward them, and they seem to be her main competition.
"Well, plastic is not Hawaiian," Braine said. "Unfortunately, the market is flooded with plastic leis (that are) imported from China and Thailand and everywhere else. We don't believe in those type of leis. It has no meaning."
And what about the Hawaiian natives with the gall to disgrace their necks with plastic?
"For local people, it's not, we say, 'pono,' not right," Braine said. "It means someone not real."
She spends up to an hour making her most intricate leis, which can contain 100 to 500 flowers. Pretty intense. And that's certainly more than those plastic lei companies can brag about.
"It's artwork," Braine said. "Lei-making is artwork."
If you're ever in Waikiki, stop by Aunty Bella's. The small shop's much nicer than those lolo okole puka big lei companies. Braine said she can pack the leis so you can travel for 24 hours without needing refrigeration, and she's even had someone take her leis back to Germany.
Look at that. A column about leis, and not once did we resort to the sophomoric lei/lay joke that was sitting there the whole time.
And now, what you've all been waiting for - the picks!
In first place, due to the wonders of alphabetical order, with a 0-0 record is Assistant Sports Editor Evan "alligatorSports' personal Janitor" Drexler, who spent four hours cleaning the sports office instead of, well, being normal. God forbid a piece of paper be out of order.
In second, making him the first loser, at 0-0 is Karl "Hungry Hungry" Hyppolite, who is completely whipped by his new wife, Rose, despite her living 350 miles away. He actually knows the exact distance to her apartment, to the meter, but it took him six back-and-forth trips in one week to figure it out.
Our middle man this week, with a 0-0 record, is Phil "Candace Parker, will you marry me?" Kegler, whose love of Tennessee women's basketball is exceeded only by his love for the iPhone. Pray for Earth if he figures out he can get an image of Candace Parker on his iPhone.
In fourth, clocking in with a 0-0 record is Sports Editor Brian "David" Steele, who is so anonymous that the Palm Beach Post got his first name wrong on a recent story. He sure could use a slap in the face with a bucket of opportunity.
In dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 0-8 before the season even begins, is Mike "Oyster King" McCall, whose mastery over all things bivalve even impresses Nick Calathes. But he's still not so cool and sweet it's unreasonable, like his one true love, Bodie from "The Wire."
Note: McCall was so infuriated that his beloved East Carolina Pirates were not included in our slate of picks this week that he decided to pick ECU in every game except the Gators' contest and the Illinois game (because he hates former Alligator writer Nick Zaccardi more than he loves ECU). Thus, he begins in an 0-8 hole. We cannot confirm that a 2-8 record after week one would be the worst in Picks Column history.
| ED | KH | MM | PK | BS | NB | |
| USC-UVA | USC | USC | ECU | USC | USC | UVA |
| FAU-TEX | TEX | TEX | ECU | Tex | Tex | Tex |
| WAs-Ore | Ore | Ore | ECU | Ore | Wash | Wash |
| Ill-Mizz | Mizz | Mizz | Mizz | Mizz | Mizz | Ill |
| MichSt-Cal | Cal | Cal | ECU | MichSt | Cal | MichSt |
| Bama-Clem | Clem | Bama | ECU | Bama | Clem | Bama |
| MSU-LaTech | MSU | MSU | ECU | MSU | MSU | LaTech |
| Utah-Mich | Mich | Mich | ECU | Mich | Mich | Mich |
| OkSt-WSU | OkSt | WSU | ECU | OkSt | OkSt | WSU |
UF-UH ED: UF 45-21; KH: UF 41-14; MM: UF 49-14; PK: UF 49-21 ; BS: UF 49-21; NB: UH
