First off, we would like to issue an at-least-someone-does-their-homework LAUREL to UF spokesman Steve Orlando for calling out the Editorial Board for an embarrassing blunder. We wrongly implied that UF President Bernie Machen contacted the St. Petersburg Times with an editorial when it was the other way around. From now on, we will quadruple check ourselves before we wreck ourselves. Our bad.
We're hurling an enormous wait-for-the-spike-in-car-on-pedestrian-beat-downs DART to the University of Miami for banning freshmen from having cars on campus. Last time we checked, people in Miami drive their cars as if they're playing "Grand Theft Auto IV."
Hopefully their freshies are good at "Frogger."
Next, we'll issue a well-deserved thank-you-for-clearing-up-a-long-standing-rumor LAUREL to Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs Jeanna Mastrodicasa for her efforts to refute the myth that UF dispenses academic punishments to those of us who are taken to Shands for alcohol-related reasons. Since freshman year, we've been hearing horror stories about our cousin's friend's brother who had to get his stomach pumped at 3 a.m., and the hospital called his parents. As it was originally told, he was never heard from again. Thanks to Mastrodicasa, we know stories like this are all crap. He probably just failed out like a respectable drunkard.
Here's an as-if-Gainesville's-parking-situation-wasn't-bad-enough-already DART to our beloved city for suspending parking codes in the overcrowded areas around campus. Between moving in, going to Publix and just getting home from work, we spent half of our week trying to find a resting place for our cars, which is more time than we spend in class and almost as much time as we spend choking on mildew in the windowless caverns of the Alligator office.
Speaking of moldy places, we would like to give UF's Physical Plant Division a believe-it-or-not-we're-actually-sincerely-appreciative LAUREL for renovating Turlington Hall. These lecture halls were the stuffiest rooms on campus and were filled with chairs that screeched like a cat being waterboarded. Thank you for finally putting them out of their misery.
We're going to launch a please-don't-come-after-us-for-sharing-this-bottle-of-wine DART to UF for its clarification of already posted policies against drinking.
Tailgate season is upon us, which means there will be an entire parade of communal sources of alcohol.
We know it's not what the administration would like to hear, but it's the truth, and they know it as well as we do. We just can't wait to see a group of alumni get busted for hosting Beer Olympics in the Plaza of the Americas.
Lastly, the Editorial Board would like to issue the City of Gainesville a thank-you-for-sensibly-amending-this-situation LAUREL for setting up taxi stands downtown. In addition to saving lives and permanent records by making it easier for barhoppers not to drink and drive, this also eliminates the need for cabs to circle aimlessly and, in turn, saves fuel.
That's all for this week. Go Gators!
