I dare you, Gainesville, to stop being so frigging good.
Our college town is absolutely deserving of being among the finalists in ESPN's TitleTown search. Winning it? I'll let you know that after the Celtics - despite Alligator Managing Editor Jessica Ponn's hopes - beat the Lakers in seven, probably pushing Boston to the top spot in ESPN's rankings.
It's nice to give props to the big dogs, but what about the yelping Chihuahuas barking down on the ground below? Bad and helpless can be just as entertaining as dominant and powerful.
So now, let's look at the top Title-less College Towns of America.
5. Pullman, Wash.
Man, talk about the powerhouse of the early 20th century. Washington State won the 1915 football national title, going undefeated and winning the Rose Bowl, and the Cougars added to their up-and-coming program by winning the 1917 men's basketball title.
So now they're just in a 91-year slump.
The men's hoops team is making great strides, and they very nearly made the Elite 8 this season, but two good years doesn't make up for years and years of struggle.
And I admit WSU's annual match-up with Washington for the Apple Cup is a little better than going after the Egg Bowl, but that's not a big step. It's like going from the intimidation of Mickey Mouse to Big Bird. Maybe Big Bird on steroids.
Ryan Leaf also went to Washington State, but I'll let you decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
4. Starkville, Miss.
I don't think I've ever met nicer people than those in Mississippi. So at least they take losing well, and they certainly have been battle-tested in the standings.
Mississippi State has a game between itself and Mississippi called the Egg Bowl. You play for supremacy, and you get an egg? I'd love to see that recruiting pitch. Play for us, and you get all the McMuffins you can handle. But hey, that might actually be tempting for the 300-pound linemen. Don't let the Pouncey twins know about this, Urban, or you may have trouble.
Oh, and they have the second-oldest stadium of the power conferences in college football.
The Bulldogs have built some credible men's basketball teams over the years - and even the football program might be on the way up - but they've never gotten over that hump to be national contenders year in and year out. The baseball team made it to the College World Series last year-and has made it there a respectable eight times in all - but it's not enough to make up for their other lagging sports.
3. Piscataway, N.J.
Who didn't love Greg Schiano's Rutgers team in 2006? I did, and if you didn't, you should have. But there's a reason why everyone was so excited. Because there's barely been anything else to get excited about. The men's hoops team made the Final Four in 1976, but not much else has happened for the Scarlet Knights. The women's hoops squad, on the other hand, is one of the nation's better programs. But one good, consistent program doesn't give you all the publicity you need. Maybe Schiano can get enough top talent to get them out of this hole, but programs are built with consistent seasons. So far, Rutgers has only had two of those.
2. Ames, Iowa.
Oh, how Iowa State fans must yearn for the days of Marcus Fizer and Jamaal Tinsley.
If that sounds sarcastic, it shouldn't because those really were the best days for the men's basketball program. And that was a heckuva team.
The Cyclones - having a natural disaster as your mascot usually doesn't turn out well to begin with - haven't made the Final Four since 1944.
The football team has just two conference titles. Quarterback Seneca Wallace was exciting, but even with him at the helm, the Cyclones only went to the Insight.com and Independence bowls. Those bowls don't give the blue chippers enough motivation to actually consider going to Ames.
Come on, Iowa State, the people of Iowa need to be entertained somehow.
1. Evanston, Ill.
At least the students at Northwestern are smart. But when your biggest claims to fame are some, ahem, racy photos from your girls' soccer team in 2005, that's not a good thing. If you want to know more, look it up. I don't feel the need to give it more space in this column.
Honestly, the Wildcats athletic programs have taken bad to a whole new level. Football coach Pat Fitzgerald might actually have a chance to turn this around, somewhat at least. But if he does, he'll have done something that's never been done before: actually be decent. The Wildcats at one time lost 34 straight games. That's more than two seasons worth.
In 2006, Northwestern led Michigan State 38-3 with 9:54 left in the third quarter. They lost 41-38.
Tell me who else should be No. 1.
