Collecting dust isn't a CD's purpose. In hopes of finding a worthy album to review, I snagged a stash occupying space in the Alligator office.
I failed in this endeavor.
None of the artists could elicit an appropriate reaction. My head did not bob, and my feet did not tap. No goofy grin spread across my face. I did not cry and mull about past breakups.
I would have been just as satisfied with an album that was a total waste of production and breath. And although Tokio Hotel was temptingly close, I felt that a German emo group was too easy to harass.
In the face of mediocrity and apathy, below is a rapid-fire review of randomly selected CDs from the bunch.
"The Seldom Seen Kid" by Elbow
I chose to listen to this CD first based on the band's name. Whether they were paying homage to the body part or macaroni was the question in mind.
The first song built up methodically with pattering helicopter drums, dubbed moaning and tinkering piano. It reminded me of a futuristic Beatles song in its arrangement.
Strings, brass and percussion blast out in true "A Day In The Life" fashion with the singer's deep, raspy voice sputtering lyrics of random, visual nonsense.
The entire album has a slight foreign influence, though the region or country, I cannot place.
"Krushed Grapes" by Hanif-Jamiyl
After prying it out of a sticky plastic case and almost breaking the CD, I popped it into my five-disc changer from Wal-Mart.
The trouble was worth the amusement.
On the first track, after a mantra of Hanif-Jamiyl singing "take your panties off" through a vocoder, he asks a girl if she has ever had her grapes crushed before.
Hanif-Jamiyl's voice is smooth like Snoop Dogg's, and his sexually suggestive lyrics are reminiscent of a compromise between Barry White and Lil' Kim.
Final rating: crude, classy and thoroughly amusing.
"Robyn" by Robyn
Her music might be popular ring tones for Swedish hipsters, but this Pink look-alike's lyrics follow the same vein as those by Gwen Stefani and Fergie in style and intelligence.
I personally find it difficult to trust a singer who likes to repeat the phrase "konichiwa bitches" and rhymes "zoom zoom zoom" with "badaboombooms." Although, radio hits have proved otherwise. I lost faith when spelling "banana" and making London bridge metaphors proved recipes for success.
I find her mildly enjoyable and terribly catchy. Her music would probably stick to my brain if I gave it a chance.
"Waves & the Both of Us" by Charlotte Sometimes
She reminds me of Christina Aguilera before Aguilera turned "dirrty" and more recently, pregnant. Both vocally and visually, Charlotte Sometimes evokes the spirit of Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle" days.
I skipped to the song "How I Could Just Kill A Man" only to be disappointed by its tameness.
I wondered why there was a parental advisory label on the CD and spent the next 10 minutes reading through lyrics and skipping through songs to figure out the mystery. The mystery remains.
Charlotte Sometimes is a decade too late with her album.
"The Construction" by S.O.U.L. Purpose
I decided to give one of the less snazzy packaged CDs a chance, and it ended up being my favorite of the mediocre albums in the bunch.
The sheer number of hands contributing to the project guaranteed a song or two would be good.
The bio said that S.O.U.L. Purpose is currently the largest crew in hip-hop because "if you helped our music to prosper in any way, then you are a part of the S.O.U.L Purpose collective." Finally, I am part of a rap crew.
"Sounds Like This" by Eric Hutchinson
I skipped to the track "Food Chain" because my roommate claimed a friend of his really liked it. Right off the bat, I thought of how it sounded like Elton John. I played "Tiny Dancer" on my computer simultaneously, and the match up of the piano chords and voices spooked me.
As Hutchinson's songs continued, my desire to listen to Elton John only grew. Not something you aim for when trying to create your own sound. I eventually switched to the original Rocket Man and called it a night.
