In hindsight, the Woody Allen films should've been a big, waving red flag. Scarlett Johansson simply doesn't care anymore - not about her image, not about her career and not about the poor bastards who will actually spend money on "Anywhere I Lay My Head."
On her MySpace page - come for the pics, stay for the droning - the plat-blonde starlet describes this new album of butchered Tom Waits covers as "indie" and "alternative," which is entirely appropriate given it is independent of quality and an alternative to something you would want to hear.
Best known for her compelling contributions to "The Island" and "The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie" - she also starred in "Lost in Translation" ages ago - Johansson lends her talents to eleven tracks of synth pulses, Gregorian chants and animal noises.
Unfortunately for her, looks don't translate to CD, and David Sitek's production doesn't do the actress any favors. Her husky monotone fits this recording like skinny jeans fit the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Johansson does score a few points for shirking the cred-shredding bubblegum clichés of other crossover casualties - Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff come to mind - in favor of an avant-garde sound that disposes of chart-topping expectations. But the complete lack of catchy melody or upbeat tempo snuffs out the mere prospect for entertainment, mindless or otherwise.
Indeed, even the single "Falling Down" zips along with all the grace and speed of an asthmatic three-legged tortoise.
The pick for best song goes to "Fawn," as it has two major factors playing to its advantage. One: It has no vocals. Two: It's over in less than three minutes.
Even Waits' usually spot-on verse can't escape the sonic scourge. In "I Don't Wanna Grow Up," Johansson sings, "I don't wanna put no money down/ I don't wanna get me a big old loan/ work them fingers to the bone." Apparently, life's a drag when you're 23, beautiful and filthy rich.
Lyrical content aside, the fact is Scarlett Johansson just isn't cut out for this gig. That being said, the whole music video concept could be right up her alley.
