I try to avoid whining in my column, but sometimes I can't help it. Actually, I whine most of the time. OK, all I do is whine.
But at least I never act on any of my complaints.
My latest obsession is Stadium Club. I refuse to hide my disgust at this monstrosity-in-progress crowding the University Avenue landscape.
I live off 18th Street near College Park; so, every day when I drive to my shock-therapy treatments, I have to detour onto 17th or 19th streets. I'm so glad I'm paying inflated rent each month to live this close to campus - no, no - I mean a construction site.
I walked by the scaffolding last week and spotted a graffitied frowny face. Yep, that's me. Every day. Since, like, the middle of last semester.
Now I know Rebecca Ganzak, the Thursday columnist, wrote a great trend piece about how some new housing is out of reach for students, but I want to focus only on Stadium Club.
The most expensive Club condo costs $100 short of $2 million - just outside the average college student's budget - but there is a very reasonable 861-square-foot condo at $419,900. The 24 "luxury residences" will someday rise eight stories high - about twice the obnoxious height it is now.
This project is part of a larger trend whereby wealthy outsiders (Gator alumni) buy up real estate in a community, causing prices to rise, which alienates poor insiders (college students in Gainesville).
Yeah, but it's a club! It's cool. Club members only. Did I mention it's a club? You're, like, kind of not welcome. Sorry.
Nevertheless, "Welcome to the Club!" says the Web site, StadiumClubatUF.com. I imagine "club" being pronounced "cluuuub." Where the party at, dawg? Can I get a "whoot, whoot?"
After it gets a speedier construction crew - the project was supposed to be completed in the '80s - it might want to spend some money on a new ad campaign, or at least a new webmaster.
Check this one out: "Capture your share of this exciting new luxury development before it's to late!" [sic]
Ahem: So, you're saying to invest before this building heads in the general direction of an entity known as "late," which is defined as a period of time behindhand. Looks like you better buy now or this place will up and time travel.
"Where the Florida Gators roam in your front yard!" is another selling point on the Web site.
Funny story: What front yard? You have those terrace things, alright, but there really isn't any semblance of a front yard. Unless … unless you mean the air in front of the building (where a yard would be, were it not for the whole high-rise situation).
OK, so now that we've established suspended, mid-air front "yards," the only way for killer alligators from Florida to inhabit and/or roam said location is …
Oh, my goodness - flying alligators!
Next: "I would like to introduce you to Gainesville, FL's most exclusive development."
They might want to check their facts on that one. I've got a cardboard box on my doorstep that's selling for a cool $11.5 million. Check your local Sotheby's listings.
"There will be a private owners' lounge equipped with cigar bar, billiards room and media room." Man! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. (Loafers required.)
I wonder if its going to have a place where you can hunt humans.
Vincent Massaro is a journalism senior. His column appears on Mondays.
