This weekend, the Gators are off to South Carolina, home of Vanna White, Fort Sumter and everyone's favorite five-star hotel, South of the Border.
While anything having to do with a Gamecock would have made for fascinating reading material - go ahead and try not to laugh at the word BGamecockC - we at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column felt that would have been just too easy.
Instead, we thought of the perfect person to give us her perspective on UF?s upcoming game against South Carolina: Miss Teen South Carolina Caitlin Upton.
But after numerous unanswered phone calls, we?ve come to the conclusion that Miss Upton couldn?t locate her cell phone, which was likely in, uh, the Iraq or somewhere, uh, such as South Africa, such as.
So we tried the next best thing - Miss Upton?s procreators - but they too neglected to answer their phone. We personally believe Caitlin?s parents, as U.S. Americans, were preoccupied trying to decipher a map so they could help their daughter locate her cell phone.
With two strikes on the count, we turned to Dr. Jerry T. Mitchell, director of the University of South Carolina?s Center of Excellence for Geographic Education.
It?s been nearly three months since Miss Upton boosted the nation?s IQ with her eloquent response when asked why one fifth of Americans can?t locate the U.S. on a world map.
Despite his credibility as an expert geographer, Mitchell wasn?t all that appalled by Upton?s answer.
BIt was funny, but honestly, I did not chalk that up to a lack of preparation,C Mitchell said. BIt was probably stage fright, honestly. I don?t know that said anything about her schooling in geography or whatnot.C
He provided the real answer - the U.S. is simply too remote for Americans to give a hoot about their location in relation to the rest of the world.
BWe?re a really big country, and we can trade amongst ourselves,C Mitchell said. BWe?re also kind of isolated with a big ocean on either side of us.C
So given a map, could the Gamecocks football team point out America?
BI would hope they could,C Mitchell said. BAny one of those students should have had some sort of social studies between K-12. Barring absences and falling asleep in class, they should have learned that.C
Seeing as how South Carolina has the third-highest adult illiteracy rate in the United States, we?re not holding our breath.
With that, on to the picks!
Leading off with a 52-38 record is Brian BYoung pupC Steele, who organized a protest outside the UF women?s club in hopes of getting Carolyn Peck her job back in time for tonight?s season opener.
Next up, at 49-41, is Bryan BWhat can I whine about today?C Jones, who dug through his pile of five sun-baked golf shirts for a rare find, a long-sleeve shirt he plans on wearing every day for the next four months.
Also tied for second is Jenna BI?m ignoring all of those restraining orders from Joakim NoahC Marina, who is putting together a tutorial video from her high school days to help Dan Werner with his jump shooting.
Tied for last, with a 46-44 record, is Mike BBojangles? addictC McCall, who got kicked out of the Eagle Scouts after getting caught going for an unsanctioned merit badge involving Steve Logan, a gerbil and a whip at the Pinewood Derby.
Rounding out is Nick BWhat?! There?s a writer?s strike?! They can?t take away my 'Prison Break? man candy!C Zaccardi, who is using the 2008 Summer Olympics as an alibi for traveling to Beijing to find a mail-order bride.
| BJ | JM | MM | BS | NZ | JTM | |
| BC-MD | BC | BC | BC | MD | BC | BC |
| Tenn-Ark | Tenn | Tenn | Tenn | Tenn | Ark | Ark |
| Aub-UGA | Aub | Aub | Aub | Aub | Aub | UGA |
| Kan-OSU | Kan | Kan | Kan | OSU | OSU | Kan |
| Mich-Wisc | Wisc | Wisc | Mich | Mich | Mich | Mich |
| VaTech-FSU | VaTech | VaTech | Vatech | VaTech | FSU | VaTech |
| UK-Vandy | UK | UK | UK | UK | UK | UK |
| UVA-Miami | UVA | Miami | UVA | Miami | UVA | UVA |
| USC-Cal | USC | Cal | USC | USC | USC | Cal |
UF-South Carolina BJ: UF 28-27; JM: SC 30-21; MM: UF 35-17; BS: UF 35-17; NZ: SC 31-30; JTM: SC 34-28
