Man, I feel like a woman.
Something tells me this sensation is related to the sexy nurse costume I am wearing. And I imagine the fishnet stockings might have something to do with it, as well.
I would change into less risqué attire, but my dirty laundry is way too haunted. I should charge admission.
Hopefully, you're wondering why I am dressed in such an erotic outfit, with a plastic stethoscope and a cute hat for accessories.
Saturday night, I went to a party…
Perhaps I should be more specific: it was a Halloween costume party.
My dress was short enough to tease but long enough to leave much to the imagination, and there was plenty of my cleavage to go around.
I wanted to go as caution tape -wearing just caution tape, that is - but all the tape I found (surrounding the crime scenes I visited) failed to cover my many curves.
On Saturday, after I realized that driving from Gainesville to Jacksonville to start a riot in the streets was probably a bad idea, my goal was to get inside the head of a person confident enough to wear such a titillating costume.
It's common knowledge that Halloween is the one time of the year when women are allowed, encouraged even, to dress like they're selling themselves for sex.
It's cheap, degrading and disgraceful … but that's not to say they should stop doing it.
Regardless of these excitements, however, I must confess: I hate Halloween.
There, I said it. I feel so relieved.
It is, by far, the most awful day of the year. I would say Halloween is my least favorite holiday, but that would insult a fine, upstanding word, a word often uttered after "bank" and "Christmas."
I don't expect you to despise what happens on Oct. 31, dear reader, but at least hear me out. And by "me," I mean my airtight logic.
First, the candy. It tastes fine, but all that high-fructose corn syrup is bound to cause some malady, probably cancer, just like everything else.
Sure, I guess you have to die somehow, but candy is a fairly lame way to go.
Next, the decorations. Black and orange look good together, but I just cleaned my apartment. Do I really need to hang up artificial cobwebs for ambience?
Also, I'm pretty sure fake spiders only attract real spiders. Real spiders are actually scary, unlike fake ones, ironically.
Last, the movies. With every Halloween comes no shortage of terrible flicks intended for a cheap thrill or scare.
I don't do well with horror movies. I'm the kind of person that can't even look at the screen. Once, during a particularly intense preview, I actually had to get up and leave the theater for a few minutes.
Now I may be a Debbie Downer, but Halloween does have one redeeming quality: vandalism.
You really can't go wrong with vandalism, assuming that you don't get caught, of course.
From spray-painted obscenities to drive-by eggings, from toilet-papered trees to knocked-down mailboxes, it's all good.
That being said, I would never damage someone else's property on Halloween. I'll stick to vandalizing my body with ridiculous costumes.
Vincent Massaro is a senior majoring in journalism. His column appears on Mondays.
