Florida’s Jim McElwain, Michigan’s Jim Harbaugh and a bouquet of other college football coaches are wasting their time drawing up plays to move a ball up and down a rectangle. No, based on how much paranoia, control and secrecy they like to involve in such an arbitrary task, it’s clear they belong somewhere else: the U.S. military.
Think about it: Who better to preserve and protect our freedom than a fraternity of men who value their work coaching football so much that they refuse to publicize who their starting quarterbacks are going to be, despite knowing the answer? These are men who can be trusted.
Heck, McElwain already sounds like he could be talking about a potential nuclear strike when talking about his “plan” at quarterback.
“They know we're going to do what we're supposed to do,” he could say of his underlings in the Department of Defense. “We have to go play hard. That's what it's all about."
Just insert “protect this nation” for “go play hard,”and it works!
Harbaugh is even more worthy of the nation’s trust. The man refuses to give his opponent the advantage of knowing who’s on his team ahead of the game, unlike any other coach in his conference. Trailblazer, maverick and patriot are all words that come to mind. If he’s that concerned with gaining an edge against his opponents on the field, then how much of an edge could he gain the United States in its fight against ISIS?
Plus, he’s a man who’s prepared. On Monday, he showed up to his press conference in cleats. Why would he wear cleats to an indoor press conference? Simple. Like a general going to war, he needs to command the respect of his troops. He can only do that by dressing like them, so he wears cleats.
Granted, all that preparation has given him one of the most revered jobs in America: Head football coach. But this is clearly a mind with a greater calling than football.
He and McElwain aren’t alone. There are candidates all over the NCAA who are ready to make the leap.
There’s Tom Herman at Texas. He installed “hydration charts” all over the team’s facilities to measure a player’s urine coloration and make sure he knows that if he’s peeing dark yellow, then he’s a “BAD GUY!!!” That attention to detail could mold this nation’s next generation of Marines.
There’s also Jimbo Fisher at Florida State, who decided to close practices to reporters entirely for the foreseeable future. Fifteen minutes of viewing stretches and drills is too valuable and important for people to know about, he decided. Wow, what commitment! Here’s a man who realizes the immense importance of what he does. Here’s a man who knows how absolutely detrimental five minutes of practice throws could be if viewed by his enemies. Don’t you want a man like this leading the joint chiefs? I know I do.
This mass exodus from college football to government needs to happen. Our greatest military minds are wasting away in the NCAA, and while coaching football is certainly one of the greatest honors in America, they could do so much more.
On the down side, such a migration could cause football to suffer. Without the greatest minds in America drawing up wheel routes and coverage schemes, how will college football go on?
Well, unfortunately, it may dip from being an all-important social institution to nothing more than a child’s game. But hey, that’s a risk that I’m willing to take.
You can follow Ethan Bauer on Twitter @ebaueri, and contact him at ebauer@alligator.org.
Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh refuses to release his roster for the 2017 season. That level of paranoia makes him a perfect fit for the U.S. military.
